Bill Simmons: big fucking hack

Apologies for the misleading information
Now batting 7th, Bob Abreu

He used to be good, but now he’s just a big fucking hack. How ESPN let’s one of it’s “personalities” be so blatantly biased is beyond me. I’m having a FJM moment, so forgive me.

From the Sports Guy’s blog:

As for Clemens signing with the Yankees, I was surprised by my lack of emotion as I watched him pull a Jimmy Chitwood and address his forgiving lapdogs at Yankee Stadium (who seemed perfectly willing to forget that Clemens screwed them over a few years ago by fleeing to Houston).

Wow, lapdogs perfectly willing to forget that he screwed them over? If he didn’t mention Clemens by name, you’d think he was talking about Epstein.

I didn’t really care. I swear, I didn’t care.

In fact, Simmons cared so little about the Rocket signing that he drummed up an 840 word blog post about it.

In fact, here are 10 reasons I’m happy the Rocket signed with the Yankees.

Oh boy, here it comes…

1. There’s finally a villain on the 2007 Yankees. Just like the good old days. I was tired of talking myself into despising A-Rod and Posada.

I know, it’s hard to root for guys who fight with THEIR MASKS OFF.

2. Since he didn’t sign with Boston, I wasn’t put in the position of (A) having to boycott his starts and (B) feeling constantly sick because so many Red Sox fans would have been perfectly willing to forgive him if he came back.

Forgive him? It was your incompetent owner who felt the team would be better off without a guy who won 192 games in 10 years…Â

This would have been awful. I would not have handled it well. Now I get to look forward to the possibility of Clemens pitching in Fenway in three weeks while the entire crowd chants, “H-G-H! H-G-H! H-G-H! H-G-H!” Much better.

I guess Sully O’Tool and Smitty O’Sully don’t have the brainpower to formulate chants that involve more than 2 alternating letters. And please, if you want to talk PED’s, take a gander at that fat fuck you have at DH…

3. He burned his bridges with yet another city (Houston). Love when that happens.

You’re right, they’d never take him back.

4. Watching the inevitable “Brokeback Mountain” parody trailer on YouTube with Clemens and Andy Pettitte. It hasn’t happened yet, but you know it’s coming.

Oh ha ha, a gay joke. He must not have seen this

5. If he’d signed with Boston, between Dice-K Mania,

5.45 ERA…

Beckett’s quest for 30 wins

If only every pitcher could face the offensive juggernauts that are the Royals, Mariners, Angels, Orioles and A’s 5 out of every 6 starts…

and the return of the greatest Red Sox pitcher ever, Curt Schilling

Oh no he didn’t. The only time that fat fuck ever won anything was when he played second fiddle to Randy Johnson and Pedro Martinez, two guys with real Hall of Fame resumes. Bill, make sure you wipe your lipstick off Curt’s ass before you roll him back into the ocean.

might have snapped from a lack of attention — we could have seen him break a baseball bat over a Japanese photographer’s head just to grab the spotlight again. Glad we avoided this.

6. Honestly? I don’t think Clemens will be that good for the Yanks.

A Sawx fan that doesn’t think Clemens will be good for the Yanks? Way to be original Sports Guy. Settin’ the bar nice and high…

He turns 45 in August and has been pitching in an inferior hitting league for the past few years.

Read Joe’s 4th full paragraph.

Physically, it just doesn’t add up. He’s defying the career paths of every other pitcher in the the history of baseball … I mean, even a freak of nature like Nolan Ryan started to break down in his mid-40s.

Yeah, the guys who played into their mid-to-late 40’s, you know, the Nolan Ryan’s and Satchel Paige’s and Warren Spahn’s of the world really didn’t amount to much…except Hall of Famers.

How is Clemens still chugging along? How?

Hard work baby. The whole “I need a month to get myself back into playing shape” thing is irrelevant apparently.

I just feel as though the odds of Clemens either breaking down or becoming involved in a massive scandal seem to be much greater than the odds of him continuing to be an elite pitcher. And if he stinks … it’s going to be glorious. Just glorious.

When Will Ferrell used the word “glorious” in Old School, it was funny. Five years later though, not so much.

7. The Yankees’ clubhouse is already fragile enough … now they’re adding a guy who abides by his own sets of rules,

A guy who abides by his own rule huh? Has he never heard of this?

flies back home after every start, drags his kids around with him like Michael Jackson,

And now a pedophile joke…fun-ny.

and comes and goes when he pleases? Sounds like a recipe for disaster, doesn’t it? If he struggles out of the gate, the Yankees’ fans will turn on him faster than the WWE fans turning on John Cena during a pay-per-view.

A wresting reference? He just confused every non-junior high aged male who’s reading…

8. We’re coming closer and closer to my dream of Clemens’ Hall of Fame plaque featuring a cap with a dollar sign on it. I feel as if that’s a genuine possibility at this point.

Yeah, guys who play for the money are such douchebags.

9. The Red Sox spitefully giving No. 21 to someone else this season, preferably the worst pitcher on the team. In fact, I vote that they bring Rich Garces back, feed him burritos until he passes the 400-pound mark, then squash him into a No. 21 jersey and hire him as the bullpen coach.

Better yet, why not give Garces #21, stick him in the bullpen, and watch the dumbfounded look on your face in a mirror when you realize he’s your best middle reliever.

10. Looking forward to an entire season of e-mails like these …

Ooooooooooooh boy. Should I pick on his minions? Yeah……

RC in Guatemala City: “So let me get this straight … we’re supposed to be scared of the Yankees hiring a 45-year-old fat dude with groin problems? Really?”

So let me get this straight … we’re supposed to be scared of a 22-year old who had a 4.76 ERA last year with cancer? Really??

Jason T. in Maine: “I’m happy Roger is going to the Yankees. Trying to bring him back to Boston made me feel like Forrest Gump at the end of the movie. You know, when Jenny, the used-up coke fiend, came back to Forrest to die of AIDS after screwing half the continent. After the last two series, the amount of hate for the Yankees, at least in my heart, was in serious decline. Now I feel reinvigorated, full of hate for all things pinstriped.”

…this dude’s got issues…

Gary in Somerville, Mass.: “I thought you were nuts last year when you were openly hoping that Roger didn’t come back to Boston. But after he dangled himself in front of the Yanks, Sox and Astros AGAIN this year I snapped out of it and realized that some things just aren’t worth another championship. That grotesque display today IN THE MIDDLE OF A GAME told me I made the right choice. Am I the only one that finds this Clemens/Pettitte thing more than a little odd? I can imagine that when Roger told his wife that he was going back to the Yankees she had the same look on her face that Michelle Williams did when Heath Ledger told her he was going ‘fishing’ with Jake Gyllenhaal.”

The difference between the Red Sox and the Yanks: Hall of Famers announcing their return to the team in front of 55,000Â screaming fans is considered “grotesque” only by the former. And was that another Brokeback Mountain reference? Great homophobic minds think alike…

John F. in Kansas: “This is historic … who ever heard of a rat jumping ON a sinking ship?”

Now that one’s clever. Made me giggle a bit. It’ll be even funnier when the Yanks win the AL East. Again. For the 10th year in a row.

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Apologies for the misleading information
Now batting 7th, Bob Abreu
  • http://www.yanksfan-vs-soxfan.com SF

    If you don’t like Simmons that’s fine, this column is certainly a low point, but stooping to his level by throwing out a PED-use charge at Ortiz doesn’t help your case, nor does throwing out all the standard “why the Yankees are superior” cliches. In fact, it just makes you seem to be as big a resentful and arrogant d*ck as Simmons is in his own column.

  • LoveTheSocksNotTheSox

    This is a great post! Right on about all the crazy backlash that the whole Clemens thing has gotten from Red Sox fans as well as other baseball teams. Everyone wants to see the giant fall, but if this guy goes down, you know it will be pitching. And he’ll probably take some of the best batters with him.

  • adam

    mike, i loved your play by play, it was hilarious. i am not sufe if you did this on purpose or not, but when he said “the return of the greatest Red Sox pitcher ever” he was referring to clemens, then the next thought was “Curt Schilling might have snapped from a lack of attention.”

  • http://www.yanksfan-vs-soxfan.com SF

    Love to see Yankees fans endorsing cancer jokes from Yankees bloggers. How funny.

    You guys have no class. There’s not much distance between you and Simmons, but I hardly expect you to get that.

  • http://jeteupthemiddle.blogspot.com Jeteupthemiddle

    Eh…The Sports Guy hasn’t been very funny lately, but I won’t get on him for being biased.

    He is supposed to be biased.

    He is being payed to write articles with biased slants.

    He isn’t on the main page of ESPN, but is instead on Page 2…the place on the site for all of this kind of crap.

  • http://riveraveblues.com Mike A.

    Adam – I misread, my mistake. But it’s still funny, so it’ll stay up.

    Lighten up SF, if the cancer situation played out for the worst, I obviously wouldn’t make fun of it. But since Lester is throwing 96 mph cheddar in the minors during his rehab, yeah, he’s fair game.

    I have a bum shoulder that won’t allow me to lift my left arm over my head, and I just started wearing my glasses again. Go ahead, make fun of me if you want. I couldn’t care less.

    Man, it’s amazing how Sawx fans go from zero to defensive in 0.86 seconds.

  • http://www.riveraveblues.com Ben

    Eh…The Sports Guy hasn’t been very funny lately, but I won’t get on him for being biased.

    Warrants a nod. Simmons has ceased being funny lately. His diaries aren’t funny; his commentary isn’t funny. Maybe he needs a vacation.

  • Clayton

    I guess SF missed the article today about Ortiz possibly taking steroids.

  • Luddy Bazcej

    great post sir

  • Sherard

    “Man, it’s amazing how Sawx fans go from zero to defensive in 0.86 seconds”

    Close. More like Sox fans go from zero to jackass in under a second. Jackass comes in so many different flavors.

    Yesterday I heard a big yankee fan say something to the effect of “I respect Red Sox fans, I just hate the Red Sox. Yuk. I have nothing against the Sox as a team, it’s their insufferable jackass fans I despise. If not for them, the Sox could win all they want for all I care. But so long as the biggest bunch of a-hole fans in the history of sports are cheering them on, they cannot lose enough games in enough horrible ways.

  • http://www.iwritebaseball.com Adam

    I don’t think Simmons was ever hired to be unbiased. He’s not an objective journalist, he is a personality, and personalities need to have biases. I mean his old site was bostonsportsguy.com. ESPN knew they were hiring someone biased.

    Besides, the guy did have a worst record picking football games than his wife…

  • http://www.robjules.com Rob

    You comment after #1 is friggin hysterical and dead on! It’s becoming more and more obvious that the Sports Guys is a little whiny bitch whom is so blinded by his love for those bitches from beantown that he’s making it hard to enjoy anything he writes even when the subject isn’t anti-yankee.

  • Neil

    Sully O’Tool and Smitty O’Sully? That’s hysterical

  • http://www.riveraveblues.com Joseph P.

    You guys have no class. There’s not much distance between you and Simmons, but I hardly expect you to get that.

    Get that? That’s the freakin’ point! There isn’t much distance between this post and Simmons (so someone give Mike a 6-figure contract). And, while he illustrated that point, he gave us Yanks fans a chuckle.

    And calling us classless? Typical Boston fan.

  • Tyrel

    I love the paragraph used to refute the notion that the AL is tougher on pitchers than the NL.

    “But…but…the American League has better hitters
    Last year’s National League hit a collective .265/.334/.427, averaging 4.76 runs per game. This year’s American League batting line: .258/.329/.405, averaging 4.66 runs per game. Of course, these numbers aren’t the gospel; Roger doesn’t pitch against nine league-average hitters, and those numbers will surely change as the season progresses. But the notion that the AL so heavily favors hitters just doesn’t carry tremendous weight (the NL this year is at .258/.333/.399, just about on par with the AL).”

    So instead of comparing last year’s NL stats and last year’s AL stats (.275/.339/.437, 4.97 runs/game), which show that the AL had better offense, homeboy compared last year’s NL and this year’s AL, one month into the coldest season in memory. Apples and oranges.

  • http://www.riveraveblues.com Joseph P.

    Wouldn’t do much good to compare last year’s NL to last year’s AL, because Roger won’t be pitching to last year’s AL.

    It’s also noted that the NL is just a tick behind the AL this year

    NL – .257/.331/.399
    AL – .259/.330/.407

  • http://www.yanksblog.com Patrick

    I think that Yankees fans should just put Simmons on ignore. I mean… he’s what he is. Let’s stay above it and not give him the attention.

    That aside, the NESN guys on that Manny/Tavarez clip were absolutely hilarious. Good stuff.

  • JS

    Mike,

    Just ignore these ridiculous “SF” comments. Those guys at Yanks Fan v. Sox fan are WAY too sensitive. I told them that I thought their Haiku contest for Matsuzaka was stupid and another word that starts with a “G” and ends in a “Y” and they banned me.

    It’s hilarious to me that the Yanks NEEDED starting pitching, got Clemens and thought that it would be fun to introduce him during the seventh inning stretch and the Sawx nation is just all up in arms about that. Yet, they think it’s a fun idea to have a freaking haiku contest for a guy that’s never pitched in the majors. Sheesh. Here’s the most applicable Haiku to Daiske:

    Mat-su-zak-a-san
    five-point-four-five-runs-per-nine
    can-you-say-over-rated?

  • http://www.riveraveblues.com Joseph P.

    I agree with you in spirit, JS, but your last line is seven syllables.

  • yankz

    This was the first Simmons article I’ve read in years. The “Schilling’s the best!” comment is the dumbest thing he’s ever said, and that’s saying a LOT.

    RSN’s reaction to this is a wonderful added perk to the Clemens signing.

  • JS

    Joseph,

    Good point. I’ll have to work on my Haiku skills, which are a little rusty-fied.

    In any event, the entire Haiku idea on that site was just stupid. Those sawx fans jumped on it like pigs at the trough and it was disgusting to watch.

  • Barry

    the only thing better than being a Yankees fan is being despised by ever half-talent ass clown in the world :-) i love it

  • Gary

    If you don’t find someone interrupting a game to glorify himself to be clearly grotesque then you have no business talking about another man’s bias.

    If I was homophobic I would not have watched (how else would I have known about the “fishing” trips”?) Brokeback Mountain in the first place.

    P.S.
    -Epstein never went to Houston.
    -He was clearly referring to Clemens as the best pitcher in Red Sox history. As Schilling has been with the team since 2004 it would hard for him to “return”.

    Keep practicing.

  • http://juuble.com Redsoxmaniac

    In hindsight, he was spot on.

    Bow to Bill Simmons, see you in 09.