May
16

More about Jason Giambi than we ever wanted to know

By

Franz Lidz wrote up a short profile of Jason Giambi in this month’s Portfolio. It starts with quite the story about the G Man:

Jason Giambi has a deep, dark secret. Deeper than his compulsion to sleep on the side of the bed nearest the door, and darker than his dream of growing up to be a heavy-metal musician.

The deepest, darkest secret harbored by the New York Yankees first baseman is that whenever he is in a prolonged hitting funk, he wears a gold lamé, tiger-stripe thong under his uniform. “I only put it on when I’m desperate to get out of a big slump,” he confides.

Over Giambi’s checkered career in the Bronx, he has left the “golden thong” in the lockers of slumping teammates Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Johnny Damon, Robin Ventura, and Robinson Cano. “All of them wore it and got hits,” he reports. “The thong works every time.”

So, yeah. Between Kyle Farnsworth’s peanut butter cookies and Jason Giambi’s underwear, I think I know more about the Yankees than I ever wanted to.

Meanwhile, says Giambi of his retirement: “After A-Rod retires, he wants to be a real estate mogul, the next Donald Trump. I could care less. As long as I can have a fast boat and a margarita machine and can light my hair on fire, I’ll be just fine.”

Jason Giambi, lighting his hair on fire. I have no words.

Categories : Whimsy

29 Comments»

  1. Adam says:

    “Party like a rock star, hammer like a porn star, rake like an all-star.”

    Jason Giambi is my hero.

  2. Tripp says:

    Huh. I think it’s even worse that they all have shared a thong.

    I hope it’s a different one each time.

  3. NYFan50 says:

    Some things are just better left unsaid. The thong was one of those things.

  4. Marsha says:

    As Phoebe once said in Friends, “My eyes, my eyes!”

  5. LiveFromNewYork says:

    I have no idea how to wash my brain in order to get rid of this information.

  6. steve (different one) says:

    one word: awesome.

  7. Chris says:

    In Giambi’s 6 years as a Yankee, he’s hit more than 30 HR in 4. In those same seasons, he’s posted an OBP > .400 and a SLG > .500. The 2 seasons where he did not perform this well were 2004 and 2007, and each time he missed about 1/2 the season due to injury (using the term loosely for 2004).

    I know people like to consider this a horrible free agent deal, but when you look at it objectively, it’s really not that bad.

    • Ben K. says:

      And he wears a gold thong.

    • steve (different one) says:

      it was bad in that it was 1-2 years too long for a player of his age and body type.

      the yankees should have offered him another million or 2 per year, but for 5 years.

      after all, who was George bidding against?

  8. Chris says:

    I wonder how this started.

    I can just picture Giambi sitting down in the locker room after an 0-4 night thinking, “Hmmm. Maybe if I just put on a gold thong I’ll get a hit tomorrow.”

  9. ceciguante says:

    the thong part…that simply can’t be true. oh, mercy…

  10. Adam says:

    wearing a thong has to beat that other kind of slump busting, right?

  11. Mike P says:

    Seems pretty likely to me that Giambi is winding some journalists up. I think it’s funny.

    • Glen L says:

      its possible .. but we should never forget that baseball players are BY FAR the most bat-shit crazy, superstitious athletes around

  12. The Scout says:

    Remember “Bull Durham”?

  13. Relaunch says:

    I don’t believe he would even want people to know that.

  14. yankeemonkey says:

    He probably was rummaging through his underwear drawer one morning after getting k’d 3 times the night before and his eye lit on the golden thong, all shimmery and glittery in the morning sun. “Hey,” said Jason to himself, “I wonder if this thing still fits.” So he puts the thong on and starts prancing in front of a mirror. Suddenly the doorbell rings – it’s his best bud Derek! Jason didn’t realize it was 1pm already and time to head to the ballpark. Jason is mortified that Jeter will see him in the thong, so he throws some clothes on in a hurry and they head off.

    Later that night, Jason goes 4-4 with a HR, 2 2Bs and 5 RBI, still wearing the thong because he never got a chance to get it off. Jason, being the retarded superstitious baseball player that he is, thinks correlation equals causation, et voila! A new slumpbuster is born! :)

  15. chris says:

    the answer to why he wore them is simple:

    easy access for the needles

  16. [...] has provided us with some valuable information that I must share with you. Apparently, Jason Giambi wears a gold thong when he’s trying to bust out of a slump (no wonder he can’t circle the bases well). [...]

  17. RustyJohn says:

    I believe that for the last at-bat of the regular season (and his contract) he should wear them on the outside of his uniform. Kind of like Wells with the Babe Ruth hat, only less nostalgic and more disgusting. What has been washed fewer times? The thong or the Babe Ruth hat from 1930?

  18. barry says:

    I’m disgusted not only by the fact that they wore a thong but they shared it too. Just too much info, too much.

  19. Adam says:

    i don’t know, the article says “he has left the golden thong”, not “a golden thong”, and “all of them wore it and got hits”, not “all of them wore one and got hits”

  20. Kati says:

    Thong sales in Boston are reported at all-time highs… expect to see them the next trip north.

  21. Derek Jeter says:

    Hi. I’m Derek Jeter.

    I make nearly 20 million dollars, every year, just to play baseball for the greatest team in the history of the sport. I have more endorsement deals than you can shake a stick at. I’ve won four world series rings, and I’m a surefire Hall of Famer when I retire. I’ve banged Mariah Carey, Vanessa Minilo, Gabrielle Union, Scarlett Johannson, and about 300 other unknown actresses, models, video chicks, club girls, wannabe divas, and groupies who all look just as amazing as those famous chicks you all know about, sometimes two or three at a time. I’m the unofficial Prince of New York; every woman wants to know me and every guy wants to be me.

    I am not ever going to put on a used thong that’s been in Jason Giambi’s asscrack. EVER. That’s just not going to happen, bro.

    If I’m in a slump, I’ll just go have some random guy sitting in a random seat in a tier reserved section killed — just to see if that changes the karma of the stadium — before I put on some gold lame’ piece of fabric that’s been rubbing ever so gently up against another man’s ballsac. Don’t think so.

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