Leave it up to America’s Finest News Source to nail the A-Rod/PED scandal. As part of a rather amusing set of articles that strike the right balance between mock outrage and social commentary, The Onion has published an obituary of the disgraced Yankee slugger.
“A-Rod was a person, but a much better baseball player,” a statement from the New York Yankees’ front office read in part. “We only hope that members of the press will respect our wishes for privacy during this very difficult period. We can assure you that the Yankee organization is going to be haunted by A-Rod’s passing for a very, very long time, or at least until his contract expires in 2017.”
“Though A-Rod has been taken from us, his impact on this team has been greater in the past few days than it has ever been before,” the statement continued. “It feels like he’s not even gone.”
The loss of A-Rod comes as a shock to those in the sporting community and to baseball fans across the nation, many of whom had hoped that A-Rod—the youngest player to ever hit 500 home runs and arguably the greatest all-around baseball player of his generation—would surpass Barry Bonds’ career total of 762 home runs without resorting to the use of performance enhancing drugs, thereby restoring credibility and dignity to sports’ most cherished record.
A-Rod’s untimely end—coming as it did in the prime of his career, just as it seemed he was poised to usher in a brand-new era of baseball on the strength of his God-given physical talents alone—has forever destroyed that hope…
“I’m sure he’s in a better place,” Girardi continued. “Then again, probably not.”
The article even has a great quote from Jeter: “I never liked him. He was a jerk, a fake. The only thing he had going for him was his unlimited potential and tremendous on-field ability, but now that he’s been taken from us that really doesn’t mean anything.”