The Onion mourns A-Rod

RAB Live Chat
Kevin Goldstein's Top 100 Prospects

Leave it up to America’s Finest News Source to nail the A-Rod/PED scandal. As part of a rather amusing set of articles that strike the right balance between mock outrage and social commentary, The Onion has published an obituary of the disgraced Yankee slugger.

“A-Rod was a person, but a much better baseball player,” a statement from the New York Yankees’ front office read in part. “We only hope that members of the press will respect our wishes for privacy during this very difficult period. We can assure you that the Yankee organization is going to be haunted by A-Rod’s passing for a very, very long time, or at least until his contract expires in 2017.”

“Though A-Rod has been taken from us, his impact on this team has been greater in the past few days than it has ever been before,” the statement continued. “It feels like he’s not even gone.”


The loss of A-Rod comes as a shock to those in the sporting community and to baseball fans across the nation, many of whom had hoped that A-Rod—the youngest player to ever hit 500 home runs and arguably the greatest all-around baseball player of his generation—would surpass Barry Bonds’ career total of 762 home runs without resorting to the use of performance enhancing drugs, thereby restoring credibility and dignity to sports’ most cherished record.

A-Rod’s untimely end—coming as it did in the prime of his career, just as it seemed he was poised to usher in a brand-new era of baseball on the strength of his God-given physical talents alone—has forever destroyed that hope…

“I’m sure he’s in a better place,” Girardi continued. “Then again, probably not.”

The article even has a great quote from Jeter: “I never liked him. He was a jerk, a fake. The only thing he had going for him was his unlimited potential and tremendous on-field ability, but now that he’s been taken from us that really doesn’t mean anything.”

Beyond the obit, The Onion explores new nicknames for A-Rod, A-Rod’s views on A-Rod and my personal favorite: Report: Curt Schilling Has An Opinion On A-Rod.

RAB Live Chat
Kevin Goldstein's Top 100 Prospects
  • Don


    No offense – but you continue to promote this drivel on the site and are getting very close to having your own thread in The Mediots sections of NoMaas.

    • Ben K.

      Care to elaborate a bit? You do realize that we’re talking about The Onion, a satirical phony newspaper, right?

      • steve (different one)

        yeah, i really don’t see that happening…

        • pat


      • Don

        You do great work Ben. I admire the dedication to the site.

        All this Arod, Afraud, Aroid stuff, I find to be pointless. Who cares??

        Your blog and many other like it took off in popularity because you forget about all the msm non sense and focus on baseball and sabrmetrics. We no longer get intelligent baseball reporting from the print media or ESPN, etc and thus we come here for intelligent analysis.

        However, continuing this saga about A-Rod when all and many other baseball/Yankees fans like me just want to read a box score and check in on prospects is disheartening.

        • tommiesmithjohncarlos a/k/a Ridiculous Upside

          Here, Don. Try this and let me know if it helps:

          • Don

            Thats one clever name…buy a space bar.

        • Ben K.

          I don’t really know why I’m bothering to get into with someone “threatening” to put up a thread on a NoMaas forum so a bunch of people I don’t know can tell me I suck. But anyway, here’s my standard response to people who complain about the topic of the posts.

          1. We post about 8-10 times a day. If you don’t like one of those posts, feel free to ignore it and move on to the next one. As for the A-Rod/PED story, there’s news, and it’s been generating a lot of discussion among readers here and baseball fans in general. I’d rather this whole steroid issue go away, but as stories break and comments emerge, we’ll talk about them. In fact, yesterday, we took the MSM to taks for distorting Jeter’s comments. That’s exactly what a blog should be doing.

          2. As a few people have noted, this is The Onion. It’s SATIRE. It’s fake. It’s not real. You’re flipping out about a humor newspaper.

          3. If you want box scores and prospect reports, I suggest a time machine. There won’t be games until April, and for now, this is the Yankee news. I don’t need to excuse our coverage, but I’d like to note that we’ve had plenty of non-steroid posts this week.

          /rant over.

          • tommiesmithjohncarlos a/k/a Ridiculous Upside

            You tell ‘im, Steve-Dave!

            • Ben K.

              Nice Mallrats reference.

          • Don

            I guess I expected better from you guys considering what Ive come to expect from visiting the blog.

            Then again, it is your blog. You have the right to blog whatever you choose. I dont care if its the Onion or the Daily News, I am just sick of reading/listening/seeing stuff regarding anything having to do with steroids.

            I know there are a lot of fans like me out there who wouldnt even waste their time discussing this as I am. They simply tune out and dont point & click. Perhaps I should do the same until the games begin.

            Furthermore, I would not waste my or your time to trash you on NoMaas. You’re right, who cares? The point I was merely trying to make was that drawing attention to this non-baseball, soap-opera B.S. is better reserved for the msm.

            Im done with this subject now.

            • Ben K.

              Just answer this question: Do you understand that this is not the mainstream and is The Onion, a satirical phony paper, that we’re talking about? You seem to be taking The Onion very seriously.

              • Don

                Forget the Onion, leave the Onion out of it.

                I dont care about the source. Im talking about the RAB. You guys have created a niche for yourself as the anti-msm by not drawing attention to this soap opera stuff.

                That is my point.

                • Ben K.

                  How can you see leave The Onion out of it when you’re making these rather specific comments on a post that’s about The Onion? This does not make any sense.

                • Don

                  Its an overall point about drawing attention to anything related to this steroids controversy.

                  I choose to ignore it, as do most baseball fans I know, I thought this site would do the same.

                  Perhaps, I shouldve made the comment when you referenced an article from the Daily News, etc regarding steroids. I apologize for any confusion.

                • Ben K.

                  That makes a lot more sense. I see what you’re saying.

                  That sad, we can’t proclaim to be a leading Yankee blog if we’re going to ignore one of the bigger stories of the off-season. I’d like to think that our coverage has been more balanced and more realistic than what most of the media is doing, but to each his or her own.

                • Don

                  You guys do a great job.

                  I think I overreacted to the annoyance of having to tune out sports talk radio once again among other sports related media sources.

                  Opening Day can’t get here soon enough.

                  Blog on Ben!!!

            • jsbrendog

              i hate everythig arod and odnt give a shit. i turn the channel/station/page/ etc.

              this however, is funny, light hearted and entertaining and in reality has nothing to do with it. in fact this should be in the whimsy category (and probably is, too lazy to scroll up)

              basically in the end if you dont like it dont read it, its your right.

        • TheLastClown

          Ease up on the gas there Mustang Sally. The Onion is funny stuff.

          A-Fraud = stupid

          Stupid-Goddamned-Son-of-a-Bitch-Rod = funny

  • GoTerpsGo

    I can’t even look at that picture of Curt Schilling without gacking. I think he’s a turdwad – just an opinion…

    • steve (different one)

      that’s not really an “opinion”

      • jsbrendog

        nope, it is scientific fact as proven by galileo, newton, and darwin,.

  • Mike Pop

    The Onion does post some really amusing things. This was good, the part bout Schilling playing 5 hours of video games with no shirt on made me lol.

  • tommiesmithjohncarlos a/k/a Ridiculous Upside

    Added Canseco: “Trust me, Albert Pujols will be dead inside a year.”

  • tommiesmithjohncarlos a/k/a Ridiculous Upside
  • jsbrendog

    BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO onion being blocked at work…seriously?!

    • TheLastClown

      At least they don’t know that This is where you spend your time :)

  • Drew
    • LB

      He reminds me of Al Davis. I think it’s mainly due to the outfit in the first picture

      • Drew

        nike supports all killers, lewis vick castro pacman

  • My Geass Makes You My Slave

    If my English teacher did not show me the Onion as a show of satire I would be cursing my head off.

  • Rob S.

    Why do you guys give additional exposure to crap that undermines our team. As if they don’t have enough to deal with.