Breaking Down Curtis Granderson

Surprise! No rotation plans announced
Open Thread: Jim Abbott
Photo by Keith Allison via Flickr. Licensed under Creative Commons.

What makes Curtis Granderson so grand? I’ve broken it down below.

1. Struggling and overcoming constant cognitive dissonance that comes with “not being a home run hitter” verses either leading or being in second place in major league homers.

2. Eyes on the prize, whether it’s a homer, home plate, or a spelling bee championship.

3. Keeping himself healthy with a nutritious breakfast.

4. Comforted by knowing that even when he strikes out, he still is extremely fashionably accessorized.

5. New and improved swing, including Kevin Long’s No-Slip Grippy Glue on his hand.

6. Muscles, tendons and ligaments fortified and strengthened by rainbows.

7. Heart at least six sizes above a replacement baseball player’s heart.

8. Dirty uniform, which is a sign of true grit.

9. Fills his belly with comfort food with Martha Stewart (you can read all about this on Roar of the Tigers, a great Tigers blog).

10. Keeps his legs in shape by herding his blessing (which is a group) of unicorns.

11. High socks.

12. Invisible wings on his cleats for super fielding and super running. He gives them a break when he hits the dingers, though.

Surprise! No rotation plans announced
Open Thread: Jim Abbott
  • Andy

    Wow! Really creative, nice work Hannah!

  • Yanks27rings

    This… is simply the most eloquent, beautifully written, insightful analysis I’ve ever read in all my years of following baseball. You’ve brought tears to my eyes, Hannah.

    /dramatic sarcasm’d

    A nice piece for a laugh, I say.

    • hogsmog

      Thanks for spelling that out!

      • Yanks27rings

        You’re welcome! :)

  • S

    when grandy swings his bat the scent of lilacs and cherry blossoms is released into the air

  • 28 this year

    Lolz, he’s so good his heart is on the other side of his body.

    /that guy’d

    Nice job, this is pretty funny and entertaining.

  • Tyrone Sharpton

    …I could tell this was a non core 3 article from the outset. I refuse to read it

    • Jesse

      Then you should refuse to comment then.

      • Tyrone Sharpton

        i was being sarcastic. sarcasm is my middle name

        • Jesse

          So was I. Sarcasm is my last name.

  • PaulF


  • Xstar7

    “8. Dirty uniform, which is a sign of true grit.”

    Wrong. Black ballplayers can’t be gritty, much less Yankees players. I thought we’ve all been over this?

    Dustin Pedroia on the other hand? Now there’s a gritty ballplayer.

    • truth

      REALLY getting old

      • Jesse

        Well, he is right. I mean, black players cannot be gritty, except Red Sox black players.

      • Xstar7

        I’m going to run this narrative into the ground.

        • ROBTEN

          A gritty narrative should have dirt on its uniform.

        • nedro

          It can’t be. It’s always leaping into the air with gritty grace, like a friggin gritty, scrappy, dirt-gazelle. Every pitch, baby!


  • Tom T

    Pretty good stuff, Hannah!

  • #24!!!!

    This is great! Nice job, Hannah!

  • blaflbewwy

    #13 penis size

  • Steve S.

    As always, Hannah rocks.


    Saw Curtis play for the first time this season in Cincinnati, my first time seeing the Yankees. You can just see it in his eyes, he loves playing this game and goes all out every single play. I watch a lot of baseball and Yankee fans should be grateful he is on your side.