Sometimes the jokes just write themselves. An acting U.S. Marshal in Boston is under investigation for allegedly having her deputies guard and chauffeur Joe Buck and Tim McCarver around Boston during the World Series last year. These two deputies may also have watched games one and two of the World Series from the broadcast booth. The punch lines are limitless.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Yes, David Cone did say last night that Ian Kennedy got jerked off in the bullpen. NYY Stadium Insider has the video. I don’t think Cone meant what he said though unless the folks in the pen were really bored by the 6th inning.

Popularity: 2% [?]

A friend of mine — one of those midwest transplants who move to New York — finally made the trip to Yankee Stadium after a few years spent living in the city. As I was reading his account of the trip, I came across the typical beer rant. Beer is too much at Yankee Stadium, he opines.

But the accompanying picture got me thinking: Is beer really that expensive in the Bronx?

That’s the sign from the Stadium. A 24-ounce Heineken costs $12.50. That’s expensive, right? Who wants to pay $12.50 for a beer? Well, in reality, you’re paying $12.50 for two beers. A bottle of Heineken contains 12 ounces of beer. So one giant Yankee Stadium beer contains two bottles of beer.

I know I’ve been to bars in New York City where bottles of Heikenen can run $5 or $6. Sure, that’s expensive, but that means Yankee Stadium’s $6.25 bottles of beer aren’t that outrageously priced.

Walking around the streets of New York, you’d be hard-pressed to find $4.50 hot dogs. You can’t buy Cracker Jacks at Yankee Stadium prices anywhere else, and the peanuts you can find in the city are better and cheaper than the ones they sell at the Stadium. But the beer, well, that’s not that much more expensive than other places that sell Heikenen at marked-up prices.

Popularity: 3% [?]

While we all think Red Sox fans may whine more than Yankee fans, an impartial winetaster from Canada determined yesterday that the Yanks’ charity wine is better than that of the Sox. Bobby Abreu’s Finest Merlot and Jorge Posada’s Jorge Cabernet trumped the David Ortiz and Jason Varitek vintages. In fact, Ortiz’s wine was, in the words of Paul Grieco, a dud. Sounds about right to me.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Despite throwing a successful 75-pitch outing against Minor Leaguers on Sunday, Andy Pettitte’s prospects in the early going this season look bleak. The Yankees pitching depth, it seems, will be tested early.

According to reports out of New York, Pettitte’s back did not respond well at all to the weekend outing, and the Yanks believe he could be out for as long as two months. To make matters worse in the eyes of fans, the Yankees plan to replace Pettitte with the much-maligned Kei Igawa who, just a few hours ago, was named the Scranton-Wilkes Barre Opening Day starter.

The Yankees all of a sudden find themselves with a little bit of a pitching problem. While Chien-Ming Wang will retain his place at the front of the rotation, the four pitchers behind him are anything but a given. Mike Mussina will slot into the second starter position, but he’s coming off the worst season of his career and had a shaky Spring Training. Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy, two youngsters who may struggle at times, will follow Mussina, and Igawa will pick up the rear.

When word of Pettitte’s injury came down, I, like many of you, probably turned your thoughts to the ace in the hole the Yanks seem to carry in their bullpen. Wouldn’t Joba Chamberlain be a much better choice than Kei Igawa? Right now, the Yankees seem unwilling to move Chamberlain out of the pen. They fear that he’ll be used too much too soon and will reach his innings cap before the Yanks need to call on him in October.

While the rained out Opening Day and subsequent 7:05 p.m. rescheduling of the game took some of the damper out of the festivities that surround the start of the season, this news casts a veritable pall over what is usually a joyous time of year. This time, Roger Clemens won’t ride to the rescue. All of a sudden, the Yanks are left with a hole, and Johan Santana sure looked good in his Mets debut.

But the Yanks have overcome adversity before, and they still have the makings of a championship team. Maybe Kei Igawa can step. Maybe he can pitch effectively. That is, after all, why they play the games. And, oh yeah, Happy April Fools Day.

Popularity: 4% [?]

While Morgan Ensberg couldn’t stand the heat he got for picking out Paul O’Neill’s former number, the long-dormant 21 will return to the field this week if the Yanks ever get to begin their season. LaTroy Hawkins, in an effort to honor Roberto Clemente, will don 21 this year, and Bryan Hoch traces the feelings surrounding O’Neill’s number. It will be interesting to see how Hawkins is received for taking what many Yankee fans believe is a number that belongs in the Yankee Pantheon. Hawkins has previously worn 32 and donned 22 with the Yanks in Spring Training. He grew tired of having Brian Bruney call him “Roger.” Doesn’t that sound endearing?

Popularity: 3% [?]

It seems that Hideki Matsui has gone and gotten married to an unnamed 25-year-old Japanese civilian. What makes this story so strange is that Matsui, one of Japan’s most famous bachelors, presented his bride as a black-and-white sketches today. It seems that he won the marriage bet he had going with Bobby Abreu and Derek Jeter. What are the chances this is an early April Fool’s joke?

Popularity: 2% [?]

Over at Bronx Banter, Emma Span takes a look at one of baseball’s age-old questions: If you were a Major Leaguer,what would your at-bat music be? I’d probably go with some old-school Pearl Jam myself. The beginning of “Animal” gets the adrenaline flowing.

Popularity: 3% [?]

It’s getting to the time of year when my roommates and I start our annual whiffle ball league. It’s nothing big, just the three of us and whoever else wants to play. The rules are kind of strange, which is fitting, since there are obstacles galore between us and the home run fence. As much fun as I have, I’m totally envious of these guys:

Is that not the perfect whiffle ball set up? Fence along the edge of the lawn, faux catcher (we use one of those pitching nets), scoreboard, lights…and even a freakin’ practice pitching mound.

I’ll still have to make due with the makeshift field we use, trees and all (we’ve named them Grady and Hanley). But man, what I wouldn’t give for a setup like that.

Popularity: 2% [?]

No. 5 starter for the Yankees, and No. 1 man in the New York political hierarchy. Yep, 2008 seems to be a good year for Ian Patrick Kennedy. Apparently, the state has decided to invoke the “Best Kennedy available clause, a law allows for the “citizens of New York, at any time, [to] install any person with the last name of Kennedy into any public office, without any sort of vote or any clear inclination that said Kennedy is prepared to hold office.” Kennedy himself was elated. “I have now realized my two dreams in life,” he said. “I am a starting pitcher for the New York Yankees, and I am fighting on behalf of the American working citizen in the hallowed halls of Albany.” Fictitious democratic consultant James Michener — no relation to the author, apparently — puts it best: “Who better to bring us all together with boyish charm and perceived integrity than a Kennedy? Nobody, that’s who.”

(Yes, this is satire. I actually liked the idea of the article more than the article itself.)

Popularity: 1% [?]