Mar
30

The Preemptive Airing Of Grievances

By

The most athletic thing Bartolo did all month. (AP Photo/Kathy Willens)

A new season is upon us, and it will surely bring exciting moments as well heartbreak. We just have to hope to have a healthy number of the former and just a few of the latter. Heartbreaking moments are inevitable over the course of a 162-game season, and they aren’t an indication of some kind of fatal flaw in the team. Sometimes things just don’t break right, that’s baseball, and we move on.

Thanks to the internet, we all have a way to covey our idiotic knee-jerk reactions to the masses at the click of a mouse or the enter button on your phone. We’re all guilty of it. We feel better, but that’s pretty much all it does. That’s what this thread is for, to preemptively complain about the inevitable. Get it out of your system now and you’ll feel better later. Here’s a nice long list of unfortunate things that are sure to happen at some point (more than likely multiple times) in 2011, but if you have anything to add, stick it in the comments.

  • Derek Jeter will ground out weakly on the first pitch.
  • Brett Gardner will take a fastball right down the middle for strike three.
  • Mark Teixeira will swing over top of a changeup.
  • Curtis Granderson will strike out against the lefty.
  • Robbie Cano will swing at a pitch a foot over his head.
  • Gardner will reach base and not attempt to steal in a timely fashion.
  • Gardner will reach base and not attempt to steal. Period.
  • Nick Swisher will strike out three times in one game.
  • Alex Rodriguez won’t hit that game-winning homer.
  • Jesus Montero will make an out, probably in his first ever big league at-bat.
  • Mariano Rivera will blow a save. Might even be a walk-off loss.
  • Rafael Soriano will blow a save.
  • Soriano will blow a lead in the eighth.
  • Joba Chamberlain will blow a lead in the seventh.
  • Joba will blow a lead in the seventh, the Yankees will regain the lead the next inning, and then Soriano will blow it in the eighth.
  • The Yankees will strand a runner at third.
  • The Yankees will load the bases with no outs and fail to score a run.
  • Phil Hughes will give up a homerun.
  • A.J. Burnett will give up four runs in an inning.
  • Freddy Garcia will suck. In general.
  • Ivan Nova will stop looking like Cy Young once the lineup turns over.
  • CC Sabathia will fail to throw at least eight innings in a start.
  • CC will lose a game. Two in a row, in fact.
  • Some non-prospect will get called up and shut the Yankees down in his first start. Presumably left-handed.
  • Some team will steal Russell Martin blind.
  • Evan Longoria will make A-Rod look old.
  • Elvis Andrus will make Jeter look really old.
  • Andrus will get another friggin’ infield hit.
  • Adrian Gonzalez will take a Yankees’ pitcher deep.
  • Kyle Farnsworth will save a game. Against the Yankees, in the Bronx.
  • Tex will slump in April.
  • Pedro Feliciano won’t get that one lefty he was brought in to face out.
  • Someone on the staff will walk in a run. My money’s on David Robertson.
  • Bartolo Colon will pitch well out of the bullpen, then suck in the rotation.
  • One of the Killer B’s will get called up and not be awesome right away.
  • Andruw Jones‘ long swing will make him look like the worst player ever for a stretch of time.
  • Joe Girardi will make a weird pitching change.
  • Frankie Cervelli will start entirely too many games once he’s healthy.
  • Some Triple-A reliever won’t get called up when we all know he totally should have.
  • Some Triple-A reliever will get called when he should have, then he’ll suck.
  • Greg Golson won’t throw out every runner who tried to take an extra base.
  • Jose Bautista will hit a homer against the Yankees.
  • Some guy you never heard of will hit his first career homer against the Yankees.
  • Old Timer’s Day festivities will last entirely too long.
  • The Legends seats will be empty for a game.
  • A-Rod will wear those funny white cleats during the All-Star Game.
  • Some Yankee will get snubbed for the All-Star Game.
  • That guy the Yankees should have signed will pitch well against them.
  • Manny Ramirez is going to remind us of the old days, at least once.
  • Granderson will take a weird route on a ball hit in front of him.
  • Swish will make a boneheaded play in the outfield.
  • Swish will make a boneheaded play on the bases and get tagged out.
  • The Yankees won’t double steal with Gardner and Eduardo Nunez on base.
  • Girardi will call for a sac bunt.
  • Swisher will attempt to bunt.
  • Cano will square around to bunt.
  • Jeter won’t bunt when he should, then he’ll ground into a double play.
  • The Yankees won’t draft the guy Baseball America says they should have.
  • The Yankees won’t give that international free agent $4M.
  • Kevin Millwood will get a chance before your favorite pitching prospect.
  • Some pitcher the Yankees should acquire will get traded, just not to New York.
  • Ian Kennedy will throw a great game on the same day the Yankees’ fifth starter gets rocked.
  • Damaso Marte ain’t ever comin’ back.
  • Kei Igawa will still show up in DotF.

So that’s all I got. Like I said, add anything I missed in the comments.

Categories : Whimsy
  • http://www.twitter.com/tomzig Tom Zig

    The Yankees will lose a game to the Red Sox early in the season and we’ll be dooomed

    • Big Apple

      just like 2009

  • Yank the Frank

    John Sterling will mess up a home run call on opening day, mid-way through the season and during the last week of the season.

    • Mister Delaware

      I DON’T AGREE … WITH THIS CALL … ohwaitIdo

    • Nedro

      How about, John Sterling will make a home run call, period. God, I hate his home run calls. Happy TIMS? Really?

  • lower case j

    opening day will be rained out.

    • Total Dominication

      That would be nice, maybe I’d get to actually see it. Who’s idea was it to put Opening Day at 1PM on a Thursday???

      • Sayid J.

        It’s umm… actually not that uncommon… at all…

    • Josh S.

      It sucks- I was planning to take the day off from work to watch the game. Still probably gonna take off, but it won’t be as much fun if the game gets ppd.

  • lower case j

    which btw will make me more angry than anything on mike’s list.

    • Adam B

      Carl Pavano won’t miss one start due to injury

      • Teej

        And Javy Vazquez will win 17 games for the Marlins.

      • king of fruitless hypotheticals

        OH O#I@$*@#_()$ THAT!!!

  • YankeesJunkie

    The Yankees will lose.

  • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

    Manny Banuelos will dominate in AA and then AAA while Freddy Garcia and Jabba Colon will blow chunks in the majors.

    • pete

      Manny Banuelos will get called up in September and not pitch.
      Manny Banuelos will start 2012 in the minors (oh no he di-int)

    • Ted Nelson

      That’s sort of what top prospects do… they dominate in the minor leagues. I’ll have much more of a problem if Banuelos is not dominating in AA and later AAA.

      • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

        Mike A: “Manny Banuelos won’t have his ass handed to him in the minors”.

        :)

  • http://twitter.com/simmonsclass Sam

    Someone will rob the Yankees of a hit.
    The Yankees won’t trade for Felix Hernandez.
    Cliff Lee will pitch really well on a day the Yankees lose.
    Jorge Posada will strike out with men on base.
    Derek Jeter won’t get to a ball hit to his left.
    Derek Jeter won’t get to a ball hit to his right.
    Teix won’t scoop a ball thrown in the dirt.
    Someone will swing at the first pitch after a walk to load the bases.

  • pete

    A reliever will dominate AAA. He will get called up for three weeks and not pitch, then get sent down.

    • NC Saint

      The technical term for this is “getting Brittoned.”

  • http://www.twitter.com/vscafuto Vinny Scafuto

    Jon Heyman/Joel Sherman/Wally Matthews will write something completely heinous.

    We’ll be sick of Michael Kay by tax day.

    The writers will continue to mock Joe Girardi and his binder.

    There will not be nearly enough Jack Curry in our lives.

    • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

      I wouldn’t throw Joel Sherman in the stupidity pile, unless you’re talking Girardi or AJ in which case all bets are off.

      – Rob Neyer will write an unnecessarily snarky post where he pats himself on the back when Jeter hits #3000 or the Royals beat the Yankees.

      • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

        Yankee fans will disparage an honest writer for no good reason other the childish pride of their fandom.

        • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

          Not really sure how Neyer calling Jeter “Captain Captain” is honest, but okay. Thumbs up.

          • radnom


            Neyer calling Jeter “Captain Captain”

            I don’t get it, what does that even mean?

            Still…whatever it is has got to be better than those who call Jeter (a HOFer who is still in the top 5 of AL shortstops) “Captain GIDP” or “Captain ground out”.

            I’m sure we will get lots of those throughout the season.

            • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

              I have no idea what it means but apparently it is honest.

            • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

              But yeah, the other stuff is more obnoxious.

            • Rob in CT

              I call him Captain groundout with love (and frustration, of course). Much like the Ghost of Bernie Williams. Or the reanimated corpse of Bernie Williams, which came the next year…

  • http://twitter.com/joero23 The Honorable Congressman Mondesi

    Out of 45 ESPN “experts,” 100% will* pick the Red Sox to win the ALE, 93% will pick the Red Sox to win the AL pennant, and 73% will pick the Red Sox to win the World Series – all while playing in the toughest division in baseball with the Yanks and Rays… While only 62% will pick the Phillies to win the NLE, 60% will pick the Phillies to win the NL pennant, and 15% will pick the Phillies to win the World Series – all while the Phils have constructed, on paper, one of the best rotations ever, and play in a weaker division than the ALE.

    *Ok I cheated a bit, this already happened.

    • Total Dominication

      To be fair, the Phillies offense really sucks.

      • http://twitter.com/joero23 The Honorable Congressman Mondesi

        I don’t think the Phillies are that much closer to the competition in their division than the Red Sox are.

        • Total Dominication

          I agree that the Red Sox are not as good as they said, I just didn’t think the Phils should’ve been better than what they said.

          • http://twitter.com/joero23 The Honorable Congressman Mondesi

            Just to clarify and put this to bed, I didn’t say the Phillies should have been ranked better than they were. The point was just to point out one little piece of evidence of institutional bias re the Sox.

      • Big Apple

        it gets worse everyday.

      • Ted Nelson

        They had the 2nd best offense in the NL last season, even without Werth and Utley… their offense doesn’t “suck.” The Giants had the 9th offense in the NL last season and won the WS.

    • http://twitter.com/steveh_MandAura Steve H

      Out of 45 ESPN “experts”, 92% will pick the Red Sox to win the AL West as well.

      • MannyGeee

        ESPN has the Sox winning the AFC East too…

        • Pat D

          As well as the NFC East, the NBA Atlantic Division and Eastern Conference and the NHL Northeast Divison and Eastern Conference.

          Oh, and whatever alignment the MLS uses. That, too.

          • Mike M

            Dustin Pedroia will also solve the Libya crisis by the al star break

    • Big Apple

      are the sox fans aware of the high expectations they have this year? they still view their team as david battling goliath.

      • Rick in Boston

        They definitely know. With the Celtics struggling and the Bruins dealing with a bunch of issues, the Pink Hat Brigade is out in full force.

        • Tank the Frank

          You must have missed SportsCenter this morning when they said this next NFL draft will give the Pats at least two more Super Bowl rings.

          Yeah.

          • Rick in Boston

            Must be for Tom Brady’s dance skills.

    • Josh S.

      And one ESPN expert will pick the Yankees to win the AL Championship only to predict that the Red Sox win the WS – See Mark Simon, ESPN Research.

      Guess his editor didn’t pick up that mistake.

    • http://twitter.com/#!/iiKeane JobaWockeeZ

      Great reference article if anyone thinks ESPN is totally subjective in their “analysis.”

      • http://twitter.com/#!/iiKeane JobaWockeeZ

        And you know it’s bad when the fucking EPSN comments MAKE SENSE.

    • http://danielslifka.wordpress.com Jerome S.

      JIM CAPLE PICKED THE WHITE SOX

      THE FUCKING WHITE SOX!

      • JAG

        Don’t judge, perhaps he’s colorblind. I mean, he OBVIOUSLY meant the Red Sox.

  • pete

    Somebody will hit .400 in April and then get worse.

  • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

    Yankees will miss a playoff spot by two games while giving 30+ starts to Garcia and Colon sucking donkey.

    • Total Dominication

      Ummmm, no.

      • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

        Um, what other choice do they have? You do realize they recently gave 35 starts to another softie (Rasner) and fattie (Ponson) combo.

        • Ted Nelson

          Um, they have lots of options… besides Noesi, Phelps, Millwood, Brackman, Warren, Banuelos, Betances, Stoneburner… they also could do that crazy thing where you trade some of your players for one or more players from another organization.

          You also realize that Garcia started 28 games last season and the White Sox won 18 of those games, right?

          • Urban

            Correct. They didn’t have the options back in the Rasner/Ponson days that they have now.

            • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

              Yankee fans will pretend that the organization is smarter than they once were.

              • JAG

                Because no one ever gets smarter after making mistakes.

  • MannyGeee

    1. Derek Jeter will ground into a Double Play. On opening day. on the first pitch…

    2. A-Rod will strike out in the 9th inning… on 3 straight breaking balls.

    3. A rookie pitcher will 2-hit the Yankees. said rookie will never be heard from again.

    4. The Royals or the Orioles will sweep the Yankees.

    • Urban

      The Royals will NOT sweep the Yankees in 2011…I hope.

    • king of fruitless hypotheticals

      at least we can’t get swept by the Natinals this year…

  • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

    Jesus Montero will crush AAA while Martin/Cervelli struggle to top .750 OPS.

    • Total Dominication

      You know a 750 ops from a catcher is pretty good, right?

      • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

        Key word: “struggle”

    • http://twitter.com/steveh_MandAura Steve H

      This would be a dream scenario.

    • pete

      yeah…for like a month

  • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

    The Yankees will trade Joba and Montero for a Weaver-esque pitcher.

    • Ted Nelson

      This is your dream thread, huh? You get to shit all over the Yankees… Basically like every other thread for you.

      • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

        Some Yankee fans will overreact to the preemptive airing of grievance cause their pinstriped glasses don’t allow them to see the team as it is, rather than as they wish it to be.

    • http://twitter.com/cephster Ross in Jersey

      Weaver: actually a pretty good pitcher

      • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

        I think he means the Weaver we had in 2003, not the one on the Angels. Hurr hurr he’s funny.

      • Ryan

        one year

      • Accent Shallow

        I’d really prefer to avoid Jered Weaver.

  • Broll

    How does a team steal Russel Martin blind? Like steal him in a trade or steal on him by running the bases? Isn’t clear.

    • Mykey

      The latter.

  • ROBTEN

    Phil Hughes will struggle in a start and people will start questioning: his velocity, his curve ball, his change up, his lack of curve ball, his lack of change up, his mental toughness, his strengths in the bullpen, Joba’s treatment, the Yankees’ ability to develop young pitching, asking where Banuelos is, posting Banuelos’ last five starts…

  • Big Apple

    chris shelton will hit 10 bombs in April and end up in the minors by year end.

  • RJ

    Every Media outlet will be going on and on about an Andy comeback

  • cano is the bro

    i doubt bartolo caught that…

    • Thomas

      I think he saw the ball coming at him and while trying to get out of the way, fell down towards the ball.

  • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

    Pat Venditte will crush AA and AAA yet won’t get a look in the majors.

    • pete

      Pat Venditte will pitch well in the minors, then get traded to the Royals, for whom he will pitch a single perfect inning in September.

      The Yankees will be criticized for letting him go.

  • pete

    Andrew Brackman will be called up mid-season. His callup will go as follows:

    1st start: 5.1 IP, 4 R, 4H, 3K, 3 BB. Wallace Matthews says he looks “decidedly mediocre.”

    2nd start: 4.2 IP, 5 R, 5 H, 7 K, 0 BB (1 HBP). Matthews questions his long-term ability as a starter, mentions that Brackman was a 1st round pick, and then says “so far, though, he certainly hasn’t pitched like it.”

    3rd start: 1.1 IP, 7 R, 3 H, 5 BB, 1 K, 1 HBP. Matthews suggests a trade for Brian Duensing. Brackman gets sent down.

    Brackman gets another call-up in September, pitching fairly well in seven appearances (one 6 IP, 3 R start, six solid relief appearances: 5.2 IP, 7 K, 0 BB, 1 R). Matthews says he “has looked pretty good in what most consider to be his ultimate role as a reliever”.

    • pete

      oh, forgot to mention:

      Wallace Matthews will say 1,317 things that just plain old suck.

      • Tank the Frank

        I agree. Well done.

      • Tank the Frank

        I’d like to see a similar thread except predicting the media gloom and doom headlines.

      • RJ

        does that mean he gets fired at the all star break ?

  • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

    Phil Hughes will give up 20 HRs by July before people start questioning his role in the rotation.

  • http://twitter.com/Paddock9652 Stratman9652

    Frankie will fist pump like a champ on every 3rd out.

    He will also come up with the bases loaded in a key moment and make the 3rd out. Probably on a 3-0 pitch. Probably while a better option is sitting on the bench.

    • JerseyDutch

      Frankie is the RISP king…

  • Big Apple

    colon will split his pants during a game.

    • pete

      this is a preemptive airing of “grievances”. I’m pretty sure everybody agrees that that would be nothing other than hilarious.

      • Big Apple

        good point

  • Bill

    Everyone will overreact, always.

  • pete

    Somebody totally random will have 23 HRs by the All-Star Break.

    • Rick in Boston

      I’m going with Dan Johnson. No idea why. It’s just random enough that it could happen.

      • Monteroisdinero

        All of Johnson’s HR’s will be against the Yanks.

      • Mister Delaware

        Must be a New England thing to like him this year.

      • pete

        I’m gonna say Marlon Byrd

      • A.D.

        Dan Johnson will continue to kill the Yankees

  • pete

    If Cano is close to as good as he was last year or better, a narrative will appear that he overcame his former “me-first” ways.

    If Cano is noticeably worse than last year, it will be that he has become a “me-first” player.

  • http://YankeeAnalysts.com Matt Warden

    1. The second Grandy strikes out, talks of A-Jax superiority will start.

    2. Every CC outing will generate multiple “opt out” discussions.

    3. Every time my father mentions which Yankees qualify as “true Yankees” after arbitrary instances.

  • Tripp

    Someone (Upton) will steal home and everyone will talk how old the Yankees look.

  • Mike Myers

    Wojah Clemens wont be in the Booof.

    • http://www.mystiqueandaura.com/ JMK

      Win.

  • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

    At some point the Yankees won’t get a runner home with RISP, everyone will insist we are the very worst team with RISP in the majors

    • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

      Derek Jeter will GIDP and there will be obnoxious comments

      • Pat D

        There will be obnoxious comments on No Maas referencing you, tsjc (come back to us!), Mike, Ben and Joe.

        • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

          You gotta get that dirt off your shoulder.

          – I’ll complain about the complaining a lot

          • Pat D

            I’m just going to ignore No Maas.

            I think.

    • Kiko Jones

      In all seriousness, stranding RISP is a big deal w/the Yankees.

      • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

        It starts.

  • Yank the Frank

    Tex will knock himself out with his knee while running to first base.

  • Kyle

    Brian Cashman will say, “Joba’s stuff best plays out in the pen.”

  • nsalem

    An unknown minor league lefy on a weak team will make his MLB debut and beat us at the stadium. he will lose his next 5 starts and then beat us again on his home field. He will again lose his next five starts get sent down and will never be heard from again.

  • http://twitter.com/dpatrickg Dirty Pena

    Ultimate Yankee Warrior will continue to be endlessly annoying.

    • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

      RAB will continue to be filled with fans who have difficulty with the Truth.

      The groupthink at RAB will get more and more tiresome for anyone with a contrary opinion.

      • V

        You do realize that you are the epitome of a ‘troll’, right?

        • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

          Commenters at RAB will out themselves as conformists with no original thoughts but eager willingness to sling ad hominem.

      • http://www.riveraveblues.com Joe Pawlikowski

        Because, of course, the truth can only come from you. ::eye rolls::

        • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

          The moderators at RAB will pretend they’re above it all until they find offense when they’re called out on their worst posts.

          The moderators at RAB will act like they have no influence over their community even as the groupthink borders on narcissism.

          • king of fruitless hypotheticals

            narcissism? isn’t that like self-love or something? like saying you’re the best or the ultimate or whatever?

    • Jorge

      +12

  • Zack

    GMs will ask Cashman for Montero & Banuelos for mediocre relievers at the deadline

  • theyankeewarrior

    Phil Hughes will “leave that cutter out over the plate”

    Phil Hughes will “leave that curve up”

    Phil Hughes will “be a year or two away from greatness”

  • http://www.twitter.com/vscafuto Vinny Scafuto

    Joe West and CB Bucknor will continue to be awful umpires, with absolutely no repercussions.

    • Mister Delaware

      Mister Delaware will be offended that Angel Hernandez wasn’t on this list.

    • Mickey “BadaBling King” Scheister

      This.

  • Mike M

    Yankees will lose a game to a left handed non-american who throws 84 mph gas. To make matters worse, he will be wearing the epic Kei Igawa shades.

    • JerseyDutch

      Beat me to it. I was going to say that they’ll be beat by a slow-throwing lefty who no-no’s them…

  • Mister Delaware

    Interesting that Mike went with an obviously photoshopped picture for a post like this.

    Original here: http://i46.photobucket.com/alb.....nCatch.jpg

  • rahboogz

    Jorge Posada will take a pitch for strike three, then turn around and argue with the ump like the pitch wasn’t right down the freakin’ plate.

    We will all cringe when we finally find out the nicknames John Sterling give the new guys Martin, Jones, and Chavez.

    At one point in the year, some if not all of us will hatch a scheme to kidnap and or murder AJ Burnett.

    We’ll secretly wonder if something is wrong with Girardi when we hear him in a press conference and does that stupid( and a little disturbing) laugh that he does.

    • Kiko Jones

      “…that stupid (and a little disturbing) laugh…

      It’s more dorky and goofy than anything, but yeah…

  • steve s

    After Soriano gives up a grand slam to Crawford in the bottom of the 8th in Game 7 of the ALCS and Yanks lose 4-3 Ninja Cashman will punch out Randy Levine and climb to the top of the John Hancock Building.

  • nsalem

    AJax will go 3 for 4 opening day and which will be proof positive that Granderson sucks as does Cashman is the worst GM in history for making this trade.

  • R Snep

    Susan Waldman will mention “life without Mariano” at least twice a game.

  • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

    The Yankees will be on FOX and ESPN a lot. Fans of other teams will complain about how biased they are toward the Yankees, while we’ll have to hear about payroll and how they couldn’t get Cliff Lee, who is a national hero for going to Philadelphia.

    • http://twitter.com/cephster Ross in Jersey

      Also, ESPN will continuously bash the Yankees as old, declining, and bad while having them on Sunday/Wednesday night baseball literally every other week.

    • Zack

      Add on: Age will be a nonstop topic during those broadcasts, where the announcers will continue the myth of the Yankees are old while the Sox and Phillies are not.

      • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

        Heh, I was just coming back to say: announcers will call the Yankees “old” while praising guys like Edgar Renteria as “savvy veterans who just know how to win”

        – someone will make a lame popcorn joke about A-Rod, probably multiple ones

    • Thomas

      Tim McCarver will say Cliff Lee is the Audie Murphy to the Yankees’ Nazi Empire.

    • king of fruitless hypotheticals

      AND…when those other games are shown, they’ll get low ratings and the Fox announcers will specifically not mention how empty the seats are.

      During the NY games, probably the businessmen’s special, they’ll talk about how empty the seats are…in August…at 1:30…while ignoring the huge amounts of people walking around and eating and schmoozing with their friends.

      /notbitter’d
      /rltw’d

  • http://twitter.com/simmonsclass Sam

    Girardi will call all of the players some form of their name with a “y” at the end.

    • handtius

      not jeter

  • http://twitter.com/cephster Ross in Jersey

    Hughes will give up a double/homer/single/foul and people will cry that he should use the change/curve/slider more! He’ll then proceed to give up a homer on a change/curve/slider and people will say he should stick with his fastball!

  • chris

    The Yankees will trade Montero.
    The Yankees will trade Montero for a pitcher not named Felix Hernandez or Roy Halladay.

  • Anthony S.

    While that no named lefty prospect tears the yankees apart, John Sterling will proceed to make the guy sound like he’ll be the next sandy koufax, as Susan Waldman rants about some completely irrelevant topic.

  • hogsmog

    Garcia will go 1-3 in April, and everyone will scream about the Banuelos Watch.

  • Tim

    Boston will beat the Yankees before June and a large number of fans will jump of the GW.

  • YankeesJunkie

    Someone will try to make us air our greivances thinking that it would actually do any good.

    Sorry…

  • Jerry

    Gustavo Molina will literally have the bat knocked out of his hands during his first plate appearance for the Yanks.

  • http://twitter.com/simmonsclass Sam

    The Rays will win a game against the Yankees and the media will freak out about the difference in payroll.

    • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

      The Rays will win the wild card and the media will rightly point out the difference in payroll.

      • http://twitter.com/simmonsclass Sam

        That’s what this thread is for, to preemptively complain about the inevitable.

        So it’s inevitable the Rays will win the wild card? Good to know, cancel the season.

  • Anthony S.

    The yankees will pass on a trade where they over pay a little bit to acquire Felix Hernandez or Liriano, and will instead get trade raped for a half ass NL pitcher who will suck in NY

    • pete

      can we not use the word “rape” in reference to trades made by organizations that own and operate baseball teams?

      • Thomas

        Agreed.

        Unless of course, it is referring to Texas sending Josh Lueke to Seattle as part of the Cliff Lee trade.

        • JohnnyC

          Jack Z sure does his homework before he makes a deal. And how’s that Smoak-type bat working out? Seriously, keeping Montero will turn out to be for the best.

          • V

            Smoak’s going to be awesome.

      • CMP

        Definition of the word “Rape”:an act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation; violation: the rape of the countryside.

        The context in which it was used was perfectly appropriate. Get over it already.

  • Tim

    Calls for Andy to come back to pitch will rise after the 1st loss to Boston.

    • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

      I’ll whine about Andy way, way, way too much

  • Thomas

    Phil Coke will have a successful start and probably against the Yankees.

    • http://twitter.com/joero23 The Honorable Congressman Mondesi

      I love this one. Little under the radar, but if this happened it would absolutely freak some people the fuck out.

    • thumper

      Phil Coke the starter will suck. Then have one good game againt the Yankees, and everyone will freak out.

  • teddy

    joba will drill youklis and espn will demand joba be arrested for assualt

    • A.D.

      The Red Sox will be brought up in a ton of ESPN games they aren’t involved in

  • http://twitter.com/kschmidt2 Kiersten

    John Sterling will say “That ball is HIGH, it is FAR, it is… caught on the warning track.” More than once, in fact.

    The Yankees will lose multiple series to the Orioles/Royals/Mariners/Indians/etc.

    The ball will go pastadivingJeter.

    • Rob in CT

      Nicely done. I can hear it now…

  • Camilo Gerardo

    Girardi will call for a sac bunt.
    Swisher will attempt to bunt.
    Cano will square around to bunt.
    Jeter won’t bunt when he should, then he’ll ground into a double play.

    favorit part, haha

  • Anthony S.

    The redsox will be like the miami heat with their new players and still not compare to the yankees who will play the role of the celtics, the team that didnt change much because they didn’t need to

    • http://danielslifka.wordpress.com Jerome S.

      accurate comp, actually.

  • Ori M

    I will be asked to throw out an open bottle of water by a stadium security guard as I enter the stadium.

    A mean female security guard will ask to see my ticket even though I literally just walked by her to leave my section.

    I will miss the good giveaways and surely make the bad ones (plastic hats…).

    I will decide not to by Cracker Jacks at Twin Donut and will crave them inside the stadium and buy them for triple the price.

  • Zack

    Someone will complain that they come to RAB to read baseball threads not whimsy articles, and then demand a refund.

    • A.D.

      There will be trolls

      There will be people claiming they are a “real fan”

      • Rick in Boston

        They will argue they are right because they “saw it with their own eyes”.

      • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

        Someone will claim Posada is the worst Yankee player ever

        • Mister Delaware

          Someone will claim Andy Pettitte is the hottest Yankee player ever

          • thumper

            …until Eric Chavez made the team.

  • A.D.

    Carl Crawford will have at least one game where he runs wild

    Several Yankees prospects will start off the season slow

    Tim Battle will strike out (wherever he is)

  • http://twitter.com/simmonsclass Sam

    Someone will be fooled by the first post on Friday

    • king of fruitless hypotheticals

      nice.

  • Greg G.

    Mike,

    This post was “laugh out loud” funny. (The comment section, meh.)

    Thanks for the “whimsy”.

    Best,
    Greg

    • JerseyDutch

      A poster will complain about the comments section.

  • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

    That “laser show” clip will be played 1598296005209860298620968 times even if Dustin Pedroia doesn’t hit a home run all year

    • Pat D

      Oh, just shoot me now.

  • p. allen

    Russell Branyon (is he playing?) will hit a HR that clears the stadium and reaches the subway and we’ll be reminded he is the only player to hit the batters eye and also the 3rd deck.

    • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

      He’s on the Diamondbacks so we don’t play them thank GOD

    • Pat D

      I think Arizona picked him up, so unless he gets traded, I think we’ll be safe of this one.

  • Matt

    Aj Burnett will start a game with a mysterious black eye and the press won’t ask any pressing questions about it.

  • Reggie C.

    Too many RS will end up making the all star team which will give way to the Theo has outsmarted Cashman once more outburst.

  • DaN

    if anyone can answer this one:

    I live in boston and of course am a DieHard Yankee Fan.. have mlb.tv streaming from PS3.. excited to watch the game tomorrow.

    Are we going to get the game off? Rain??? hows the weather going to be.. i read the weather sites but would like any local feedback.

    this would really put a damper on my week.. really looking forward to this.

    • Pat D

      Right now the forecast looks iffy. Could rain, could even get snow flurries.

    • YankeesJunkie

      Sadly there is a 70% chance of rain in the Bronx tomorrow.

      • DaN

        dammm. thanks guys

        I do not get how these schedulers have jobs for the MLB

        why aren’t the yankees starting the west coast?

        or against an east foe in a dome?(tampa/Toronto)

        The sox are starting in Texas..

        Yanks playing Det here? come on..

        stupid

        • Zack

          So opening days will only be in the south and west? Yeah, cause no one would bitch about not being able to go to any local games for opening day…….

  • Joe

    Carl Pavano’s line against the Yanks at the Stadium: 7IP, 2H, 0R, 7K. The inevitable “we should have taken Pavano instead of these lame 5th starters that we have” chants arise.

    • http://twitter.com/joero23 The Honorable Congressman Mondesi

      “The inevitable ‘we should have taken Pavano instead of these lame 5th starters that we have’ chants arise.”

      If that chant actually happened I’d just be impressed.

      • Mister Delaware

        Clap, clap, clapclapclap

      • Zack

        “This chant’s too long” clap clap clapclap

  • Zack

    Bo will re-appear on Brackman’s first start, then he’ll get himself re-banned before Brackman’s 2nd start.

  • teddy

    papeblon will get his first save , then claim he better than mariano rivera

    • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

      Random Closer X will have a good year. People will claim he’s the next Rivera.

      • http://danielslifka.wordpress.com Jerome S.

        ALWAYS!

  • Joe

    There will be rumors that the Yanks are very close to trading for Felix Hernandez. Hours later: Felix Hernandez traded to the Philadelphia Phillies.

  • NJYankeeFan

    Mike forgot:

    “Cashman will give up too many prospects in a trade for a starting pitcher”

    “Cashman will overvalue his own prospects too much and not pull the trigger on a trade for a starting pitcher.”

  • http://twitter.com/#!/iiKeane JobaWockeeZ

    Yankees will trade Jesus for somebody. The ultimate grievance.

    • Matt

      Here here

  • Joe

    An umpire makes a boneheaded call that probably costs the Yanks a game. We start the “WE WANT INSTANT REPLAY” chants.

    • http://myspace.com/bksmalls Smallz

      +1

  • JFH

    - Yankees will fail to score after a lead off double. A reader will then lament that he/she wishes the Yankees would play the game the “right way” by employing the sac bunt.

  • Joe

    After hundreds of failed: “I call a homerun” predictions by a play-by-play guy, one actually works and it is shown on ESPN for three days.

    • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

      It’ll be Seattle’s announcers. Just stab me now.

  • Joe

    We are forced to watch a game on FOX Sports with outstanding analysts Tim McCarver and Joe Buck.

    • tom

      Who, apropos of nothing, will find a way to mention the stolen base in 2004.

  • Joe

    Joe Morgan makes a ESPN comeback for a Sunday Night Baseball game at the Stadium!

  • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

    Yankee fans will continue to pretend that Felix Hernandez is available for whatever trade package they can dream up.

  • http://www.twitter.com/ngoral Jake LaMotta’s Left Hook

    I’d like to add to:

    Some non-prospect will get called up and shut the Yankees down in his first start. Presumably left-handed.

    …in the next game after the Yankees scored 7 runs on the opposing team’s ace starter.

  • Dick Whitman

    Jeff Francis will have a better year than Freddy Garcia.
    Girardi will leave Boone Logan in too long.
    Phil Hughes will struggle getting batters out after 2 strikes.

    • Mister Delaware

      Along the same lines: Boone Logan will face a righty.

  • http://myspace.com/bksmalls Smallz

    I will watch a Yankees/Red Sox game broadcasted on ESPN with the television on mute.

  • Joe

    Somebody on the team will get a black eye and nobody has an idea of how it happened. Or wait, did that happen last year?

  • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

    - No matter how shitty the Angels are this year, the Yankees will lose a terrible game in Anaheim
    – the Yankees will lose a game or series to Boston and someone will bring up 2004 in a nonsensical way

  • Francis

    Mike Lupica and Bill Madden will write articles summarizing that the Yankees are DOOMED!!11!……. after a game in May.

  • Mike Myers

    A drunkard in the bleechers will scream NOMAHHHH 300x when the sox are in town.

  • Alex K.

    Posada will hit into a double play.

    Posada will fail to frame pitchers in the few instances that he catches.

    Posada will make too many mound visits in the few instances that he catches.

    Posada will make a baserunning blunder.

  • Joe

    Come back from a long and terrible day at work. Only glimpse of hope is that the Yanks are on TV. Two possible outcomes:
    1. Game is rained out.
    2. The starter gives up 7 runs in the first rendering the game meaningless.

  • http://twitter.com/simmonsclass Sam

    Haters are going to hate.

  • Joe

    Somebody who doesn’t follow the Yanks regularly will say that “Posada is doing a great job behind the plate tonight”.

    • Urban

      Posada will win the Gold Glove for best defensive catcher of 2011.

  • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

    The wave will happen.

  • Joe

    Tim McCarver and Joe Morgan become YES announcers.

    • RJ

      Sha-a-lam-a Ding-Dong will remain the smartest thing ever to come out of Joe Bucks mouth.

  • http://twitter.com/TheDog_Man jon

    Michael Kay will think he’s really funny

    • jsbrendog

      paul oneill will put kay in his place and tell him he is not only not funny bt has a ginormous head while he is eating candy and asking about hot dogs

  • Joe

    Catch a game against the CWS on CSN, having to endure such timeless phrases such as:
    Put in on the board…… YES! YES! YES!
    He Gawn.
    The Good Guys are down by 2 after the Bottom of the 7th, the Bad Guys are coming up next.

  • http://twitter.com/#!/iiKeane JobaWockeeZ

    People will bitch if a comment isn’t completely positive about the Yankees.

  • Joe

    Yanks will resign Chad Gaudin.

    • http://twitter.com/#!/iiKeane JobaWockeeZ

      That’s a given.

  • jsbrendog

    ultimate yankee warrior (james) will finally admit he is a red sox troll

    • http://twitter.com/#!/iiKeane JobaWockeeZ

      Yeah…no.

      • jsbrendog

        i havent met many fans who hate the team and complain more than he

        • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

          RAB commenters will think that the only true fans are those that frequent the RAB comment section.

          • http://www.riveraveblues.com Mike Axisa

            Holy shit are you annoying. You do nothing but sit there and point fingers from your pedestal and talk down to everyone for having the audacity to think positively about their favorite team on a fan site. The nerve!

            • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

              RAB moderators will pretend their positivity is a new code word for being uncritical.

  • http://notanevilempire.com Steve O. returns

    I think you’ve got all your bases covered.

    Oh, and someone will give credit to Mike instead of Joe or Ben.

    • http://notanevilempire.com Steve O.

      Actually, Steve O. just sounds better.

  • Monteroisdinero

    Andruw Jones will jog after a ball in the gap and I will be demanding he be replaced by Greg Golson.

    • http://notanevilempire.com Steve O.

      Greg Golson will strikeout on a meatball pitch, and you will demand he be replaced by a more competent hitter. See, Andruw Jones.

      • Monteroisdinero

        Not likely. Gollie ain’t no Austin Kearns.

  • Greg G.

    Someone will complain about the RAB Prospect Watch jinx affecting Manny Banuelos.

    • Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James)

      Ultimate Yankee Warrior (James) will gripe that the RAB prospect watch completely foils the hope that Manny has his ass handed to him.

      • hogsmog

        The Ultimate Yankee warrior will behave snarkily whenever somebody on RAB says something good about the team that they like.

  • http://youcantpredictbaseball.wordpress.com/ bexarama

    how did we not cover: Gerrit Cole will be picked second overall in the draft, maybe first

    • Joe

      Well, at least he’d go to:
      Option A: Pirates, Option B: Mariners.

      • JMK

        We will unsuccessfully try to trade Slade Heathcott for him.

  • Cult of Basebaal

    Coffee Joe Girardi will pinch run for someone with decent speed with someone faster in the 9th inning of a close game. That pinch runner will not attempt to steal to move himself into scoring position on any hit, but rather stand idly on 1st base waiting for an extra-base hit that never comes.

  • Joe

    Jay Z and Cameron Diaz will get more face time than players on the team on any given night.

  • Joe

    1) Demands spring up that Jeter be dropped in the batting order after a 2 for 21 slump leading up to his 3000th hit.
    2) People demand refunds for tickets paid to see Jeter hit his 300th and fail.
    3) A fan claims that Jeter is distracted by the camera flashes.

  • Xstar7

    The Yankees will win the wild card and lose in the first round to the Twins. Both the Red Sox and Phillies will advance to the World Series which will end in a tie because both teams are unbeatable.

  • Max K

    Bartolo Colon will GAIN weight (if that is possible).

  • Will in NJ

    Come draft time, we will all whine about giving up our 1st round pick for Rafael Soriano in perhaps the most stacked draft in recent memory.

  • http://procrastinationperfected.tumblr.com/ BigDavey88

    A lot of Red Sox fans will be disappointed that their team isn’t AS GOOD as they’ve been told all off-season.

    They’re still pretty good though.

  • JFH

    Isn’t the airing of grievances supposed to occur around the Festivus Pole?

    • Andrew

      second. where’s Frank Costanza when you need him?

  • steveo

    The Yankees and the Red Sox will be a 10-9 split in the season series and they will go to a 7th game in the ALCS.

  • Wil Nieves Number 1 Fan

    Gary Busey will win this season of Celebrity Apprentice.

  • http://www.CarlsYankeeDugout.com Carl

    How ’bout Michael Kay saying that a postseason series is automatically over after Game 1.

  • King of the Troglodytes

    RAB readers will slurp Nick Swisher all year long than turn a blind eye to his disappearing act in the playoffs.

    And please don’t refer to his decent series against the Twins last year – the Yanks could dress 9 RAB readers in pinstripes and the Twinkies would shit themselves.

    • Rob in CT

      People will ignore the value a very good player provides in 162 (well, more likely ~150) games if he struggles in a short series. Or two, even.

  • Andrew

    Anyone else notice that in the BBTN Pregame, Barry Larkin stated that the Red Sox would “win every major award in the American League this year”? (Cy Young, MVP, Batting Title, yada yada yada)