Top 5 things that can help improve the Yanks offense

One Joe in, another out for All Star Game
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Lots of shouting going on in the IPK thread. I think it’s a bit overblown. He threw more strikes this time, did a decent job of keeping the ball on the ground, and got through innings with fewer pitches, which is an improvement over his starts in April. Of course, he was a bit wild at times, which led to some mistake pitches that went for extra bases. It’s something he can look to improve next outing. Of course, he has to go out and do it. That’s a completely different story.

Yet, Kennedy wasn’t the only problem yesterday. Yeah, it’s tough to score six runs every game to overcome the five your rookie starter surrendered. But if you’re scoring none, one, and two runs a game, well, not even a staff of aces is going to bring you to the playoffs.

The Yankees need an offensive jolt like nothing else. But how? What would it take for the team to turn this ship around, hit like they’re advertised to do, and, most importantly, drive in runners on base? I’ve got a few ideas. After the jump, the top 5 things the Yanks can do to boost that offense.

5. Steroids

What, you’re telling me that guy wouldn’t be socking dingers over the short porch in right? Yeah, it’s a sensitive subject in baseball, but sometimes you need to bend the rules in order to gain that edge. And by bend, I mean snap them in half. Before the beat reporters enter the clubhouse, the team should sing Cumbaya in a circle before injecting the person on their right with bull testosterone.

Of course, it might not be a great idea to do this with the good players. I think the league would notice is Derek Jeter’s biceps grew six inches in circumference and he started parking pitches in the black. Instead, we should be doing this with fringe guys like Chad Moeller, Alberto Gonzalez, Morgan Ensberg, and Wilson Betemit. Plus, could you imagine Shelley on ‘roids? That would be one scary specter.

4. Lucky charms

No, not the cereal. Girardi would never tolerate that kind of crap. Well, unless you picked out the marshmallows. Which I did as a kid. Only I ate them instead of the bland “oats” (as they call them). Anyway, I’m referring to something like a rabbit’s foot. Or, if you’re a bit more exotic, a tiger-striped thong.

So maybe not all the Yanks would be into that. But, say, Jose Molina could try out one of these. It could be lucky and support his man-tits. Maybe Kim Jones can be Cano’s lucky charm. Hey, anything for a few hits, right?

3. Nerve tonic

Look, if C. Montgomery Burns is going to suggest a remedy, I’m all ears. Now, we know that Joe Girardi has banned candy and other unhealthy foods from the Yanks clubhouse. But what has he replaced it with? Probably some healthy junk that no one eats, anyway. You’ve got to give the players something that they can latch onto as they did their junk food. And Mr. Burns says this special nerve tonic promotes health.

Of course, it does cause gigantism, but only in rare cases. And really, will an enormous mellon affect your play much? Just ask Barry Bonds about that. He has a severe case of gigantism (though his came from HGH abuse rather than nerve tonic…though the nerve tonic could play into his defense strategy). Has that stopped him from breaking the single-season and all-time home run records? Hell no! In fact, we should be encouraging gigantism. Nerve tonic for all!

2. Get a slumpbuster

We talked about this before on RAB (if you just ate, or don’t have an iron stomach, DO NOT click on that link). Sometimes, you need to restore your confidence. Sometimes, that can be achieved by a stint in AAA. But if you’re out of options, what do you do? Jump on a grenade. That’s what.

For those of you who opted to not click the link for an explanation (that is, the sane ones among us), here’s the Urban Dictionary definition: “Baseball players believe that by having sex with an unattractive female, they can end their slump. Therfore a slump buster is the unattractive female that they have sex with, in hopes of busting their slump.” Shouldn’t be hard to find in New York City.

1. Aluminum bats!

Screw corking the bats. We just need to petition the league to let us use aluminum bats. But, failing that, why not just disguise the aluminum bats as wooden ones? That pinging sound? It’s the sound of excellence, my friend. Maybe if you didn’t throw garbage out there on the mound, you’d hear a different sound. Yeah, you heard me. Want to throw inside? I’m just gonna turn that bitch around into the right field bleachers. Leave a mistake pitch over the plate? That’ll be the first pitch hit out of Yankee Stadium.

Really, is there any better way to break out of a slump?

To be clear, none of this is serious. And yes, I understand that I’m not funny. Oh well.

One Joe in, another out for All Star Game
Draft prospect videos


  • SG

    Ken Griffey’s, grotesquely swollen jaw,
    Steve Sax, and his run in the the law,
    We’re talkin Homerrrrrrrrrrrr,
    Ozzie and the Straw!

    • Sam

      A lot of murders happen in New York City …
      But you wouldn’t know anything about that would, Saxy-boy?

  • steve (different one)

    i said cut those sideburns!!!

    • Joseph P.

      He’s still better than Steinbrenner.

  • Adam

    joe, i am not sure buzz bissinger would appreciate you talking about molina’s man-tits. i on the other hand found it quite funny.

    • Alan

      I’m pretty sure Buzz Bissinger is too busy writing angry columns about Will Leitch than to look at a Yankees blog.

  • Brandon

    Mike A. I still don’t see the Robi Cano/Kim Jones accusation..I mean all in jokes but the closest I saw was when they poored champaign down her bra last season. But hey you never know

    • Mike A.

      Wait, why am I getting dragging into this?

      • Brandon

        or whoever posted it..LOL

  • Rob

    That guy is so gross! How in gods name did his muscles get so out of whack… even with steroids?

    • Mike P

      In ’98, he would have been hailed as a home run king.

    • Glen L

      ….its photoshopped

  • mustang

    Thank you Joseph P. for lightening things up.
    This is very funny.

  • Travis G.

    not to bring everyone down, but Damon is OPSing .378 since the Seattle series. when the leadoff guy isn’t doing shit, the team likely wont either.

    • steve (different one)

      Damon had a rough week, but it’s kindof silly to say that the rest of the team can’t score because of it.

      teams score all the time in games when the leadoff man doesn’t get on base.

      • Travis G.

        oh, they CAN score if he doesn’t get on, but it makes it much easier (and frequent) when he does. the leadoff hitter has the most PA during a season/game, so when they suck, it hurts the team more than any other batting spot (generally). it means the best hitters (3-4) can be pitched around, or when they do damage, the blow is lessened.

        i’m not quite an advocate of batting Arod leadoff, but i can see the logic in it. those run scoring tools support the notion of moving him up in the order. and don’t they bat the best hitter in Japan first? makes sense that the best hitter get the most PA. they’re only guaranteed to bat without a runner on once. but imo, abreu should be hitting leadoff.

  • barry

    I thought it was pretty entertaining buddy.

  • Tommy

    According to Wikipedia, Roger Clemens did his own chicken noises in that Simpsons episode.

  • Mike A.

    Daaaaaryl. Daaaaaryl. (wipes away tear)

  • r.w.g.

    Why don’t we try and swing a trade for Matt Holliday?

    We could offer Colorado a good mix of upper level and lower level players. They could have their choice of an OF to replace Holliday (maybe sell them HARD on how Gardner’s bat and speed will play in Coor’s Field) and a high ceiling pitcher (Betances?), along with a nice mix of other players to round out the deal (Hillgoss? Edwar Ramirez?)

    Gardner, Hilligoss, Betances, Ramirez.. maybe throw in another player (Sublett? Suttle?), or upgrade one of the players included (maybe Alan Horne?), and you would have a fighting chance to get a deal done.

    I’d probably want to find out if he was open to discussing an extension before I went too overboard on the talent sent back.

    • barry

      Gardner would probably have a bright future out there. The Rockies would take any combination of maybe 2 upper and 2 lower which wouldn’t be that much. It wouldn’t take the big 3 or AJax either from what I’ve been reading.

  • Ben B.

    The hand of George reaches out from Tampa….

    Barry Bonds in Pinstripes. Coming to a Stadium near you soon.

    • barry

      I pray youre joking.

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