Top 5 things that can help improve the Yanks offenseBy
Lots of shouting going on in the IPK thread. I think it’s a bit overblown. He threw more strikes this time, did a decent job of keeping the ball on the ground, and got through innings with fewer pitches, which is an improvement over his starts in April. Of course, he was a bit wild at times, which led to some mistake pitches that went for extra bases. It’s something he can look to improve next outing. Of course, he has to go out and do it. That’s a completely different story.
Yet, Kennedy wasn’t the only problem yesterday. Yeah, it’s tough to score six runs every game to overcome the five your rookie starter surrendered. But if you’re scoring none, one, and two runs a game, well, not even a staff of aces is going to bring you to the playoffs.
The Yankees need an offensive jolt like nothing else. But how? What would it take for the team to turn this ship around, hit like they’re advertised to do, and, most importantly, drive in runners on base? I’ve got a few ideas. After the jump, the top 5 things the Yanks can do to boost that offense.
What, you’re telling me that guy wouldn’t be socking dingers over the short porch in right? Yeah, it’s a sensitive subject in baseball, but sometimes you need to bend the rules in order to gain that edge. And by bend, I mean snap them in half. Before the beat reporters enter the clubhouse, the team should sing Cumbaya in a circle before injecting the person on their right with bull testosterone.
Of course, it might not be a great idea to do this with the good players. I think the league would notice is Derek Jeter‘s biceps grew six inches in circumference and he started parking pitches in the black. Instead, we should be doing this with fringe guys like Chad Moeller, Alberto Gonzalez, Morgan Ensberg, and Wilson Betemit. Plus, could you imagine Shelley on ‘roids? That would be one scary specter.
4. Lucky charms
No, not the cereal. Girardi would never tolerate that kind of crap. Well, unless you picked out the marshmallows. Which I did as a kid. Only I ate them instead of the bland “oats” (as they call them). Anyway, I’m referring to something like a rabbit’s foot. Or, if you’re a bit more exotic, a tiger-striped thong.
So maybe not all the Yanks would be into that. But, say, Jose Molina could try out one of these. It could be lucky and support his man-tits. Maybe Kim Jones can be Cano’s lucky charm. Hey, anything for a few hits, right?
3. Nerve tonic
Look, if C. Montgomery Burns is going to suggest a remedy, I’m all ears. Now, we know that Joe Girardi has banned candy and other unhealthy foods from the Yanks clubhouse. But what has he replaced it with? Probably some healthy junk that no one eats, anyway. You’ve got to give the players something that they can latch onto as they did their junk food. And Mr. Burns says this special nerve tonic promotes health.
Of course, it does cause gigantism, but only in rare cases. And really, will an enormous mellon affect your play much? Just ask Barry Bonds about that. He has a severe case of gigantism (though his came from HGH abuse rather than nerve tonic…though the nerve tonic could play into his defense strategy). Has that stopped him from breaking the single-season and all-time home run records? Hell no! In fact, we should be encouraging gigantism. Nerve tonic for all!
2. Get a slumpbuster
We talked about this before on RAB (if you just ate, or don’t have an iron stomach, DO NOT click on that link). Sometimes, you need to restore your confidence. Sometimes, that can be achieved by a stint in AAA. But if you’re out of options, what do you do? Jump on a grenade. That’s what.
For those of you who opted to not click the link for an explanation (that is, the sane ones among us), here’s the Urban Dictionary definition: “Baseball players believe that by having sex with an unattractive female, they can end their slump. Therfore a slump buster is the unattractive female that they have sex with, in hopes of busting their slump.” Shouldn’t be hard to find in New York City.
1. Aluminum bats!
Screw corking the bats. We just need to petition the league to let us use aluminum bats. But, failing that, why not just disguise the aluminum bats as wooden ones? That pinging sound? It’s the sound of excellence, my friend. Maybe if you didn’t throw garbage out there on the mound, you’d hear a different sound. Yeah, you heard me. Want to throw inside? I’m just gonna turn that bitch around into the right field bleachers. Leave a mistake pitch over the plate? That’ll be the first pitch hit out of Yankee Stadium.
Really, is there any better way to break out of a slump?
To be clear, none of this is serious. And yes, I understand that I’m not funny. Oh well.