Open Thread: The ‘Stache Strikes in Vegas

Upon hearing the news that the Yankees signed Richie Sexton, slugger Jason Giambi has embarked on a new training program to keep his job as an everyday player. According to reports from Yankee insiders, Giambi will start and end each practice with a bottle of Jack Daniels. The slugger believes that it will help him stay relaxed in the batters box and improve his range when he dives at first.

Jason Giambi entertains Vegas locals by playing the Star Spangled Banner on an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

The ’stache isn’t enough. Giambi wants to grow the hair on his chest, too.

Damn, does my reputation precede me that much?

What, like, I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m here to fuckin amuse you? What do you mean, funny? Funny how? How am I funny?

Jason Giambi is seen here tasting the newest flavor of Vitamin Water.

. . . and then Jason Giambi sat Robinson Cano and Melky Cabrera down and explained that a real ball player could party all night, drink a full bottle of Jack Daniels, and still hit above replacement level.

Out of juice, switching to sauce.

A-Rod pops out with a runner in scoring position… that’s a shot!

Jetes taps into a double play… that’s a shot!

Billy Wagner blows a–aah screw it ::gulp gulp gulp::

Gee, I never thought Jason would be one to abuse his body so . . . . . wait a minute!

Wwhhhaaassss Evvaaan Loghhhhornia got thetidungot! ::Scoff:: TrrropicannaaaaaoohhhIHATEDESPERATEHOUSEWIVES!

Hey Girardi, I got your protein shake right here!

If it can work for Josh Hamilton…

tssssssssssssssssss…. too soon?

Buster Olney reports the Yankees have reached a preliminary agreement with struggling slugger, Richie Sexson.

Rejected by U.S. Dairy Farmers, mustachioed batsman Jason Giambi seeks out alternate beverages to endorse.

“I could have been in the home run Derby”

“Yes I could have, they invited me and everything”

“Hell yes I could have won”

“Listen, I’m Jason Fucking Giambi I can do anything I want”

“Like what? Like I could drink that whole bottle of Jack without stopping to breath”

TMZ is reporting that Giambi slept with a tranny, so that is reason he is drinking.

Giambi just found out that he has a fractured testicle.

This just in: Drunken slugger Jason Giambi has just challenged Richie Sexton to a cage match for everyday playing rights at 1st base.

“Glasses, we don’t need no stinkin glasses”

“Now, the other night I lay sleeping,
And I woke from a terrible dream.
So I called up my pal, Jack Daniels,
And his partner Jimmy Beam.”

Giambi is beating his meat with his left hand; drinks with his right hand.

Jason’s just showing us what Girardi has to let back into the clubhouse if Moose wins 20 games.

Giambi doesn’t drink. His Mustache told him to.

Girardi told him to be a better Fifth Hitter

On the catwalk yeah on the catwalk I shake my stash with a bottle of jack on the catwalk.

HGH now comes in a new convenient liquid form. Just drink and grow!

“Sabermetrics is a tool (gulp gulp gulp) And, as with any tool, its utility depends on the skill of the craftsman (gulp swig gulp) using that tool. And a good craftsman (gulp gulp belch) not only knows how to use each tool but also when (gulp gulp buuurrrp).”

Hey Biel! Got a little Captain in you?

“I cannot believe I just slept with Cynthia. Alex is going to be really pissed!”

Once it hits your lips, it’s so good!

I guess Giambi didn’t ge the Memo, What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas.

they took the bar, the whole f**king bar!!

Jason Giambi:

I’m f*****g cat like when I drink Jack dude.

“Gimme six Schiltz’s… Whatevers free.”… “Hello Mrs. Daniels… Mrs. Daniels is Jack there?”

Giambi: Hey Pedroia want some Jack Daniels.

Pedroia: Hell yeah

Giambi: Oh sorry son, your not old enough.

My favorite comment from the Deadspin comments section:

Giambi isn’t drinking. He’s playing Guitar Hero: Guns ‘n’ Roses.

The Big G is loose… and he has his pinky up, cup ‘o tea?

Moose got ice cream back. Whoop de fuckin doo. When can I get my minibar back? My mustache can pitch better than that bitch!

Victoria’s Secret ran out of my favorite thongs; the pink and black leopard print ones.

“The stache made me do it.”

Rude second half welcome for Johan Santana so far.

yeah doesnt really matter though, Wagner would just blow it in the ninth anyway

Giambi must have just watched a Melky Cabrera at-bat.

What All-Star game?

look at my cool T-shirt

WTF? Everyone at this American Mustache Institute convention is gay!

***chug chug chug***

That shit will put chest hair on your stache.

Yogi! You’re next!

HA, everyone thinks I’m drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels when really its my new supply of HGH! Here’s to my ‘08 MVP campaign.

“You sign Dicklock Sexy to steal my thunder? ARod’s banging Madonna? Joba’s the toast of the town? You’re actually talking about bringing in BARRY BONDS? What am I, a coupon on Dick Street?

Fine, fuck you assholes. I’m gonna pound this Jack and go show Miley Cyrus what’s in my Golden Thong. That back page is MINE! VIVA GIAMBINO!”

Babe Ruth? Who’s that??? He has nothing on me!

Jason Giambi, new spokesman for the David Wells Diet Program.

“Hey! Hey! Are you listenin’? Hey you! HEY! I love two things in this world: All-star breaks and wearing size boys medium T-shirts.”

Gentlemen! Giambino’s Miracle Hair Tonic is guaranteed to restore a shiny luster to your whiskers, muttonchops, or “Foo Manchoo.” Go from stubble to no-trouble in a fortnight, guaranteed! To order, please post $23,428,571.00 by courier or PayPal at hairhormones@aol.com

THE STACHE IS THIRSTY…GIVE THE STACHE THE NECTAR OF LIFE JASON, MAKE THE STACHE NOT THIRSTY AND THE STACHE WILL TREAT YOU WELL!

Dope

im jason giambi and im really cool. look at me. look at me.

I think it’s very American for Jason to be playing in a Jug Band

OR…

“The Giambino with a nother jack!!!!”

Meanwhile, Papelbon’s sipping a Cosmo

Giambi and his “All-star” leaving the club to go party with the girls of “Coyote Ugly” to make some headline news because he is tired of hearing about Arod with strippers and Madonna.

Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey – Destroying the lives of sheriffs across America since 1875!

time for melky to switch off the milk and get some hair on his nuts with some jack. might up his production at the plate so we can shiip his ass out of here, hell ill buy him a pack of cigarettes too, being he isnt old enough yet lol!

A-Rod to blame for Giambi’s drinking binge, says NY media

“Jack Daniels: Making ugly guys like me more attractice since 1884.”

Jason Giambi gets stopped by police, and is asked: “Have you been drinking?”
Giambi replies: “Okay, yes, I have… how did you know officer? Was I swerving across the road, or speeding?”
“No Mr Giambi,” replied the policeman, “…nothing else can explain that fat ugly woman sitting next to you.”

-Scott

In the world of competitive drinking, Jason Giambi is known as Jack’s Short Right Porch.

Well if Floyd Landis could use this excuse….

“Don’t worry, I’m the DDing tonight”

Forced to provide urine on a prodigious scale, here Yankee slugger Jason Giambi does his part by “replenishing his fluids” in preparation for a Mitchell Investigation inspired “random drug screen”.

Well, another All-Star break is in the books, and it was one for the ages. Everyone focuses on the spectacle of the Game or the Home Run Derby, but for the players, the contest they look forward to the most is the “Man The Fuck Up, Finish That Shit and Stop Being A Bitch” Binge Drinking Derby, sponsored by State Farm and Brawny Paper Towels, annualy held at one of the host cities’ finest sports bars every All-Star Tuesday night.

Pictured here is the three-time defending champion, Jason Giambi, polishing off his fourth bottle of Jack Daniels. He did manage to get through half of one more bottle before vomiting and then setting his regurgitation on fire, followed by smashing the bottle over his head and then having sex with all of the bartenders (regardless of gender) in the smoldering ashes — in what is quickly becoming his annual ritual. I saw the whole thing live, and it is electric.

Coming in second and third this year, with valiant efforts that ultimately fell way too short, were Brian McCann and Ozzie Guillen, who still refuses to acknowledge the fact that he’s no longer an active player and thus, ineligible to compete in the Man The Fuck Up Derby.

Coming in last this year, again, was Red Sox Catcher Jason “Tek It Easy, Champ” Varitek, who apparently passed out after drinking half of one Appletini while still wearing his catcher’s mask. He was rushed to the hospital and had his stomach pumped, where doctors discovered what they called a “shocking quantity” of partially digested baked beans, Levitra tablets, various unidentified bodily fluids not belonging to Varitek, and a pair of men’s boxer briefs with the word “Timlin” written on the waistband. As of press time, he is expected to make a full recovery and should be back on the field by next week, fully healed and ready to resume his pursuit of the record for the worst single season by an everyday player in MLB history.

Giambi later finished Varitek’s drink, which he described as “pussy-weak”. He collected his prize, a new 2008 Ford Edge, which will be delivered to him personally by Derek Jeter, as well as a donation to the Make-A-Wish Foundation made in his name. He then punched Jon Papelbon in the throat. It was electric.

For Diamond Cutters, I’m Peter Gammons, ESPN.

hr derby or binge drinking vacation……well played martini

Jack and Giambi

Jack and Giambi
Seemed dead as zombies
Yet wretched a pail of vomit.
With Jack passed round
A fifth Giambi do pound
Then fornicated both Vixen and Comet.

A Giambi Haiku…

All-Star break is here
A golden thong hides some things
But Jack reveals all.

That’s not Giambi drinking, the ‘Stache is holding up the bottle. Look closely, Giambi is just trying to get it away from him.

“I can’t believe that motherfucker stole my laptop. I need a drink.”

“J.D. is MY all star MVP too”

Jason forgoes a ‘Crazy straw’.

The best part is that the ’stache soaks up about a half a glassful for later…